Ten Steps to Become an Online Poker Pimp

Money StackWhen it comes to online poker, the game has gotten so tough recently that players have had to resort to extreme tactics to gain an edge on the competition. It is getting harder and harder for a Poker OG (original grinder) to beat the game nowadays.

The following ten tips will result in an increased ROI, tons of poker babes, and will help you become an online poker pimp. Make sure to have this song playing in the background while you read our tips.

Step #1 - Get some Fresh Gear

The most important thing in the world to an online poker boss is their killer laptop with monstrous additional LCD's. If you don't have one of these, you're a joke. It's actually a proven fact that you'll hit 43% less flush draws if you're on an IBM 360, which is the computer of choice for $0.01/$0.02 heads up professionals.

I have two additional 32" monitors, and use every square inch. If you can get a bitchin' set up like me, make sure to have the right monitor full of PokerStars, Full Tilt, and Absolute Poker tables, the left screen full of blaring porn so you don't start playing too aggressive, and the middle screen (the most important) has to be open to Sharkscope and ThePokerDB so you can quickly look up opponents stats to degrade their lifetime winnings after they suck out on you.

NOTE: if you're a new player, make sure to have an online poker dictionary out so you can decipher terms such as OBV (obviously), GFY (go fuck yourself), and IHYFDOACADWIWALETB (I hope your family drives off a cliff and dies while I watch and later eat the bodies) - I get that one a lot after I get in preflop with AK vs. AA and win the flip.

Step #2 - Look out for Attacking Pimps

Poker pimps are vicious and will stop at nothing to beat a fellow player. I recommend getting your room secured with this lock on the door, especially if you are a high school grinder and live at home with your parents. I've known far too many poker Dads who claim to have no interest in the game, but are later found on their son's account dropping stacks at the $50/$100 PokerStars tables with Red Bull and syringes littered across the bedroom floor.

Also, if you can get a computer with a fingerprint scanner you'll be much more secure.

Step #3 - Stay Dope Boy Fresh

When you're an online poker pimp like me, you'll spend upwards of 22 hours a day on your laptop, so you need to be stylish and comfortable. I recommend a full wardrobe of only Jordan gear. When you're in a Jordan jumpsuit you can really get in the zone, plus if any poker ho's come over you'll be looking fresh - just make sure to sit out from your tables before you get down with her.

NOTE: Many fishy poker pimps have gone off and bought Jordan gear after reading this article, but forgot about the poker pimp size conversion ratio. That can be a fatal mistake in the online game. Here's the table that will explain how it works to stay fresh:

Your Size --> Pimp Size
S --> L
M --> XL
L --> XXL
XXL --> 4XL

Step #4 - Learn the Game

If you're a young pimp comin' up in the poker world, you need to learn the game before you can take shit over. The first step is to drop out of college - this is a must. Any pimp who wants to get in the game has no time for class when there are tournaments to be played. After you get rid of all non pimp commitments in your life, you need to sign up for PokerXFactor, CardRunners, Stox Poker, and to buy every .pdf guide available on the Internet. Don't worry, these small initial investments will pay themselves back 1,000,000x once you learn the game, and your useless tuition money should cover it so don't sweat it.

Step #5 - Get Connects

Like they say, it's not what you know, it's who you know, and this applies directly to the pimp game. To become an online poker star, you need to make connections on the streets to amp up your progress. In fact, the only reason that the PocketFives top 10 is there is because of their rail support in the tournaments.

Most pimps don't know, but there is a scientific formula that determines if you hit your two outer or not, and the majority of the formula is determined by your rail support. Here's the formula:

Rail Equation

Step #6 - Gettin' Chedda

Now that you've got the connects, and are heavy in the game, it's time to get that chedda like a real pimp should. Like I mentioned, true poker bosses play MTT's for at least 22 hours a day, so you need to equal that production. Now you might ask, how can I possibly play that much??? I should smack you like a ho for even asking that shit.

Here's how it goes. You've got your home base. This is your sanctuary, and where a pimp can relax with a 40-ouncer and 40-table on your big screen monitors. When you're on the road, you've got the pop-out screens in the 'Lac so you can maintain your status while tracking rival pimps. And of course, in the bathroom it's a necessity for any poker pimp to have this...

Step #7 - Ball Out

Once you reach official pimp status and start stackin' paper, it's time to upgrade your gear. First of all, every real pimp has the latest iPod with noise-cancelling headphones. When you take your game to a live casino, you can spot all the poker pimps based on how pimped out their audio system is. Here's the scale for you:

MP3 Player Headphones Caliber of Player
Wal-Mart 128 MB Generic Earbuds OMFG HORRIBLE
Microsoft Zune Generic Earbuds Calling Station
iPod Classic iPod Earbuds Aggro Bomb
iPod Touch Sony Headphones TAG
iPhone Bose Noise Canceling OMG BALLER PIMP

Step #8 - Get Bitches

When you're a new pimp on the poker grind, it can be hard to meet ladies when you're holed up in the crib all day. Once you start to hit the live tables though you can meet some high class ho's if you play your cards right. Here's a few tips on how to attract the bitches while you're at the casino:

Tip #1 - When you walk to the table, make certain you've got a fresh pressed Jordan suit on, at least three sizes too big (this shows that you're fresh and that you need to wear big clothes to conceal your piece).

Tip #2 - When you buy chips, make sure to get at least quadruple the buy-in for your table just so the ho's know you're paid.

Tip #3 - At the table, any poker pimp knows that the best way to get in a bitch's pants is to show your sick bluffs. Whenever you make a $30 bet into a $10 pot and all the haters fold, make sure to slam your 7-high down on the table to emphasize how much of a boss you are.

Tip #4 - If there's actually a girl at your table, any real pimp knows that if you degrade her play and give her poker lessons she'll reciprocate your actions with under-table blowjobs. Just tell the dealer that she's going to be sitting out for a few hands...

THE BEST TIP OF ALL - If you want to show your Mack Daddy pimp-ness to the fullest, there's only one way to do it. Call the floor manager over, and say the magical five words that every poker pimp rehearses through grade school: "Get me a masseuse bitch!" Any player getting a massage right at the table is clearly the shit, and I've actually seen ho's throw their panties across the table at such a man.

Step #9 - Protect Your Ass

Hater CountNow that you're a mega-pimp baller your hater count will be rising on the daily. Any pimp who wants to hang around in the poker game needs to protect his ass, and his assets.

The first step to protect yourself is to have your pimp posse at the casino with you at all times. After you kill the $100 max tables you need your boys to escort you to the cage to protect you from any assassination attempts.

The final tip for keepin' it together is to always be strapped 24/7. Every real poker pimp I know has his glock under his pillow at night, and on his waist during the day. This helps when a pimp starts counting cards at the Blackjack table and the casino tries to rough him up...BLAM!

Step #10 - Life After Death

Seasoned pimps know that at any time a hater could hit 'em up, so you need a plan to make sure your legacy lives on. The best poker pimps know just how to do it - training sites and blogs. Trust me, the poker world is dying to learn your "secret pimpin' strategies" and "hater blockin' tips", so at least make a free blog, if not a full blown poker guide that you can sell for mad cheese.

That's it bitches - hope you enjoyed.

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